Friday, March 30, 2007

Mirror, Mirror ...

Yes, our lovely patrons. In the spirit of hailing from the land of a thousand Abbassi chai hotels we announce the opening of a new wordpress location of our chaikhanah here. It serves the same tried and tested chai we make so lovingly. No, don't worry, LiptonDiCha hasn't stolen my secret recipe and has no immediate plans of opening his competing chaikhanah around the corner. It is an attempt on our part to subvert the ban on blogspot by the Pakistan government. We will still post here and that location will mirror the content here. Either location has its own rss feed.


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Thursday, March 29, 2007

Jamia Hafsa Ninjas on the rampage again


Ninja, the word conjures up images of trained killers acting as hired guns for their evil masters. Performing sabotage, espionage, and assassinations to subvert civil society. Katanas and throwing stars aside, the ninjas real weapon was fear. They conquered through fear, employing tactics that can only be defined today as terrorism. It took the state a while to gather up the courage to wage a campaign against them and rid society of their menace.

As the sun was setting on Tuesday evening, a gang of ninjas was making final preparations inside their temple with plans to invade a house and abduct four members of the resident family. Those who saw the armed gang leaving the devilishly red Lal Masjid knew something ominous was in the air. Thirty women clad in black from head to toe were backed up by ten of their brothers in arms as the group moved through the creeping shadows.

They moved swiftly .... at times. Mostly though, they ran into each other, and into street poles, and into oncoming traffic. You see, the ninja's stealthy black burqa costumes are marvels of costume design. A flowing A-line, that allows ease of movement and prevents even educated observers from reading the movements of the ninja. The only drawback is the extremely limited peripheral vision. For all practical purposes the Hafsa ninjas march and fight with tunnel vision. That explains the purpose of the male chaperone's. They make sure the ninjas don't succumb to the perils of a journey down the block. Some of the talibs walk in front. These forward observers also serve as beacons for the ninjas to follow and stay on path. Other talibs form the rear guard and a couple are posted on the flanks. This arrangement work well to keep the flock together. The talibs are not as efficient as, .... ehhhh ... say sheep dogs. We have all marvelled at the ability of a couple of dogs to flock hundreds of sheep. But then again the sheep have a better sense of their surroundings and possibly better developed civic and common senses. The Hafsa ninjas compensate for these with overtly developed senses of moral superiority and religious fanaticism.

Residents of nearby sector G-6 cowered in fear as the gang of armed ninjas swept through the streets and converged on the target house. There were four people in the house. The matron of the family, her daughter, her daughter-in-law, and her grand daughter of only six months. These poor women didn't know what hit them. Within moments the ninjas had overpowered the residents. The beaten and scared women were then hurriedly marched back down the block to, Lal Masjid, the ninja's temple-cum-fortress.

The word of the ninja attack and abductions spread through the city like fire. The government has so far been reluctant to confront the lawless Hafsa ninja. These ninja have their own vision of what the law of the land should be. Something the call the law of the Hasba. They have previously stared down the government on a couple of occasions. First, when they forced the government to back down on their illegal land grabs and later when they occupied a children's public library for weeks. The writ if the government eroded further when taliban from Lal Masjid grabbed a couple of police men from the street and held them hostage.


The question now is how long before the government and people of Pakistan realize our freedoms and society are worth defending against the menace of Hafsa, Hasba, Burka, Durka et al.


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Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Talaash-e-gumshuda sehvum

Police officer who led attack on Geo TV goes missing

I did not start off on this blog to carry the mantle of finding the missing people in Pakistan. That was a challenge taken upon by our chief justice. His bravery in the face of the unscrupulous agencies of the government of Pakistan was admirable. No one in Pakistan had ever dared question them or their authority. On the one hand our CJ earned the gratitude of the relatives of the missing and the praises of the interested observers. On the other hand his activism in the cause of human rights in Pakistan earned him the scorn of the government and its long arms and big mouths. This was a man they needed to shut up if they are to continue the abhorrent masquerade that their rule has been for nearly a decade. And they did try shutting him up, and failing that they are now going to try to discredit him and roll back his agenda of enforcing answerability.

However, with the chief justice under house arrest, the least I can do is jot down my feelings here and hope someone reads and agrees. Another person of interest in this thriller has gone missing. The ghayab (missing) person is the police officer who allegedly led the attack on offices of the Geo television network in Islamabad.

This revelation about the missing inspector came direct from the mouth of the president himself. El presidente was trying to kiss up to the Geo TV Network in the aftermath of the attacks on Geo during the course of their reporting of the current judicial and constitutional crisis in Pakistan. The announcement came during a protracted appearance on the now un-banned Kamran Khan show amid contrived apologies and promises of swift justice and all.

Even with the president himself issuing the APB (all points bulletin), most observers in Pakistan are going to take this development with an extra pinch of salt. No one believes the junior police officer acted out of his own volition. We have a history sprinkled with the corpses of junior police officers who are killed off after they have served the illegal purposes of their political bosses.


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Ikhtitam ul Haq

The sad end of Inzamam's cricket career


The picture says it all. Head bowed in embarrassment, visibly shaken and looking like a man who has just lost the most important battle of his life. The cricketing career of Inzamam-ul-Haq comes to an end. The saga that began with a young man full of raw talent and devil may care attitude on the cricketing pitch ends with a grown man struggling to find the will to fight. A sad end to the career of yet another Sub- Continental cricketing giant.

The match that hurried Inzi into retirement will forever be recorded as the biggest upset in the world cup history. A make shift team of part time players, playing without central contracts or huge endorsement checks humbled a team considered the most talented team on paper.

Lets talk about the two Inzis we have come to love and hate over the last 15 years. Inzi the batsman and Inzi the captain. As a batsman he had his shortcomings but one thing is undisputed. He was a very talented batsman. Making over 20,000 runs in International cricket is no small feat. As of today there are only three batsmen in the history of the game who have scored over 20,000 international runs, Tendulkar, Lara and Inzi; with Dravid and Ponting very close to the target. An elite group of players that everyone who ever dreams of wielding the willow professionally tries to emulate. A large number of his test centuries have come in a winning cause for Pakistan. His ratio of centuries in wins is only second to the god of cricket, Don Bradman. No one can steal away his place as one of the greatest batsmen Pakistan ever produced.

Now comes Inzi the captain. Elevated to the post of captaincy based on seniority, an old Pakistani tradition. His captaincy can only be summarized as a mixture of mediocre successes and embarrassing failures. As a captain his lack of vision and absence of motivation was evident for the whole cricketing world to see. His look in the field told the spectators and viewers that he didn’t want to be there. No words of encouragement for the bowlers and fielders. No tips and tricks to pressurize the batsmen. No show of anger for poor performance. Hard to believe that a person who had played under the captaincy of Imran Khan would not pick some morsels of wisdom from the most successful captain in Pakistan’s history. With all his shortcomings, he did in fact had one thing common with Imran. His strong likes and dislikes for certain players but for very different reasons. Imran went to extremes to keep the players he supported, Qadir, Wasim and Inzi himself. Inzamam kept the players he liked based on personal preference first and talent second. It was made clear in the news that Mushtaq’s appointment as the bowling coach for the World Cup was made on Inzamam’s insistence. A bowling team with one full time and one part time leg spinner who were both far from automatic selection in the playing eleven was coached by a former leggie. The whole world saw it as a stupid move but Pakistani team stuck with the plan and paid dearly in South Africa and the Caribbean.

The one thing that I personally have an issue with is the shot of religion that was given to every member of the team in large quantity. Rumors were common that the team is pressurized to pray together since it was considered the sure shot method of gluing the team. The motto “ if you want to play together , pray together” became a butt of jokes everywhere. Every time Inzi appeared before the camera or a microphone, we were given a heavy dose of religion. Apparently it was supposed to make Pakistani team the best in the world. No bright bulb in the “tablighi ijtamah” also known as net practice pointed out the absence of religion in other teams who were a lot more successful in the cricket ground without having God to take credit for their success and blame for their failure. No genius ever pointed out to them that religion has nothing to do with cricket. The Pakistani team that won the cup in 92 was made up of drinkers, gamblers, pot smokers and playboys.

Pakistan cricket is at the bottom right now. As a matter of fact we had hit the bottom some time ago and then started digging. It is time to shed the tradition of appointing the captain on seniority alone. Captaincy should only be given based on merit. The team should be given a strict message as far as physical appearance is concerned. We can do without the models of “best of Taliban” calendar playing for our national team and representing our country as ambassadors in the whole world. PCB should spend some money on getting the team members a little help in spoken English and in management. Lets make sure that we don’t have another great player again bowing out from the world of cricket with his head pointed at the ground.


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Monday, March 19, 2007

Talaash-e-gumshuda dovum

Justice Bhagwandas found in Lucknow, India

Residents of Islamabad were awaken from their slumber yesterday with the local mosques blaring an update on the sub-continent wide search for our beloved judge Rana Bhagwandas on their loud speakers. He has been located. Yes, lets rejoice, serve everyone mithai, breakout in a little shimmy.

Times of India has reported locating Pakistan Supreme Court Judge Rana Bhagwandas who is visiting on an annual pilgrimage. I think it was my cajoling the Indian media and Intelligence agencies that finally prompted the successful search. And both groups now vie for space and credit in the TOI news article linked above. I was only doing my duty. Still, I humbly accept the nations gratitude for having played a part in finding the missing person. More than what the government of Pakistan did.

Iftikhar Gilani at the Daily Times is speculating an early return. I certainly hope so. He is the man of the hour. He is the one who can extricate the nation from this abyss of a constitutional crisis that Generalissimo Mushy and cronies pushed us into. But no pressure, Sir. Just do your duty to the satisfaction of your conscience.

The return of the judge to the country, and the processes of the apex court will bring forth further problems, discussions, theories, what not. At least the man on the street is getting a few new lessons on our constitution. We and legal eagles of our government will learn our constitution together. I bet, I can score 11 more marks than Wassi Duffer. And I am still failing.


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Sunday, March 18, 2007

A Killer Match

Obituary: Bob Woolmer

Yesterday, millions of Pakistani cricket fans saw Bob Woolmer put his head on the table after Shoaib Malik was caught. You could see the agony of watching the Pakistani team falling apart on his face. While watching the game with my friends I made a comment that he is probably taking a mental inventory of all his possessions in Pakistan that need to be shipped out before he reaches back. This morning (U.S.A Pacific time) when I read the sad news of his demise I could not help but re run that clip in my head.

I was preparing to write something else today but changed my mind. I want to take some time and thank Bob for his service to Pakistani cricket.

“As fanatic fans of cricket we welcomed the news when you were appointed the head coach of Pakistani cricket team. In the next few months we saw improvement in the performance and fighting spirit of the team. The zenith came when a team heavy on young talent drew the test series in India and won the ODI series. We beat India and England at home and won against Sri Lanka and drew against West Indies aboard. Things were looking good for the world cup. Then came the away tours of England and South Africa. We saw the team crumble and started asking for your head to roll. It was a natural response of a volatile fan base and being good Pakistanis that we are, we were fast to reach the conclusion that if everything else is great then the only thing that is stopping us from reaching the top must be the coach. Lets face it , we had the best bunch of individual performers and as everyone says the best team on paper. They were becoming religious and even praying together. By God’s grace they were even starting to look alike. Instead of one Inzi, we were going to get to the field with 11 Inzis. Most of the team even performed Umra and started dropping Allah’s name in every sentence that came out of their mouths. We even left everything on Allah. Our team’s fitness, bowling, batting and even fielding. Well that didn’t go very well.

Today we realize that you did all you could to make champions out of this sorry bunch of wannabes. You could only teach them the skills to overcome their shortcomings. The final application was their job. You could teach them the virtues of teamwork but it was their job to become a cohesive and fighting unit. You could tell them what they meant to the Pakistani citizens but you could not teach them the basics of responsibility. You Sir, did your job admirably. They on the other hand screwed it up for you and the public that had elevated them to the thrones of celebrity.

You gave your life with dignity and honor before being put through the hell that was sure to come in the next few days. Pakistani citizens and cricket fans were sharpening their swords, myself included. Unfortunately it took your death to make us realize that it was never your fault. The rot of the team had started long before you took reign of it. You were just the watchman on duty when that grown tree fell. You could not bear the pain of watching your team humiliated by a bunch of amateur cricketers.

May you enjoy your days playing with Bradman, Grace, Laker, Nawab Pataudi Sr., Abdul H. Kardar and Fazal Mehmood. Enjoy talking about the great game with the great players. You didn’t deserve to be dragged in the cesspool of politics and corruption that is the Pakistani cricket. We hope that your untimely departure from this world will make a few higher ups in PCB shake with embarrassment. Ah! What silly bunch of hopefuls we are.

Bon Voyage my friend. May all your cover drives be effortless and all you straight drives pure.”


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Saturday, March 17, 2007

Sheikh Rashid's Prayer

“ Oh Allah, how humble I feel before your grace today. My knees are shaking, my head unable to erect and my eyes unable to shut off tears. Today I bow to your infinite wisdom, for it is only you who gives and takes away all worldly things; fortune, fame and hair.

There were days when I was the minister of information. My nation was fortunate to watch my rugged Kashmiri looks everyday on T.V and newspapers. My manly voice made many a women shake, for I was the liaison between the government and the people of Pakistan. Main mouthpiece they called me, a distinction I wore with honor and pride. I was “the man” of the government. You tested my skills with many in swinging yorkers, the nationwide agitation of MMA, Kalabagh Dam and Taliban to name a few, but I flicked them with no more than a small movement of my tongue straight to the boundary. Every night when I came home (sometimes even my own home) I used to unwind by turning the T.V on and watching myself on the screen. It not only soothed me but my servant tells me that it soothed millions of people in Pakistan as well. I will always be thankful to you for choosing me to become your gift to Pakistan.

I had held many other portfolios before Information ministry. Most important of them probably my assignment as the minister of culture. I had the film industry under me, both literally and figuratively. I am thankful to you for that but Information ministry always felt like my real calling. I was made to do that.

Then that awful day came when I was told that I would no longer be the information minister of Pakistan. I felt as if my life had come crashing down. I was angry, I was hopeless and I felt cheated. How can I be replaced? Have they found another Kashmiri to take my place? Whose voice will keep the men informed and women dreaming after I left? I had questions and concerns regarding the serious mistake the government had made.

I thought complaining to you then thought better of it. How can a mere mortal complain to you Almighty? My Pir told me that I could in fact complain to you. If it is okay for Alama Iqbal to do so then it must be okay for me since Alama and myself are both Kashmiris by your grace. I could not argue with that logic even though I had a lot of practice arguing against logic from my previous job. I came to you, I complained, I cried. I even begged for a good appointment next. I went to my Pir and told him that I had complained to you. In response he said that there must be some divine logic behind the decision. Now I am a very, very intelligent person but I could not see how there could be a silver lining behind this cloud. I was humiliated especially when other cabinet members started mocking me in cabinet meetings by making the sounds of whistling train engine. It was over for me. I knew that you didn’t listen to my begging and praying.

Then came March 9th, 2007. A day that will forever live in infamy. General sacked the Chief Justice. All the mouthpieces of the government were busy explaining the constitutionality of the decision and trying to justify the actions. A little voice inside told me that maybe this is the divine reasoning my Pir Sahib was talking about, but being very, very intelligent I shrugged it off. Now being so very, very intelligent I knew that this thing will be over soon. No one would care and the issue will die during the weekend. Boy o boy was I wrong!

March 13th, 2007 started normally. I woke up, stared at myself in the mirror for an hour like I do everyday. Had my usual breakfast of a dozen puris and went to the office. What happened between 11.45 A.M and 2 P.M made my jaw drop. First time in my life my mouth was open so wide without having food near it. The screams of divine reasoning, divine reasoning, divine reasoning rang in my mind. My knees buckled and I dropped on the floor. All I could recite was I am glad I am not the information minister over and over again. How could I have defended that in the media? I was humbled my lord, by your divine intervention designed to save my dignity or whatever I have left of it. Just as I was about to stand up after three days of thanking you profusely I heard the news of GEO office been raided and vandalized by the police. Oh lord seems like another three days of thanks are due.

I am planning on wearing a torn black jacket to the next cabinet meeting to mock Mr. Durrani who used to make fun of me with the whistle. Now I would love to see what you have in the box for him. As for me, I will never find enough courage to complain to you again. Even if I am granted the ministry of religious affairs.”


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design by Dwayne Hunter
design by Dwayne Hunter